Fight of establishing order in chaos

I feel like I am in a war with chaos.

[Order ---- Chaos], seems to be my central theme.

I always struggle with chaos, incoherence, suffering, randomness - which are like glass shards flying and injuring my ordered being, at night esp.

I go through this cycle everyday. 

# From brilliant order in the day when having high energy.

# To getting the "I am legend(movie character)" feeling at night when chaos invades and pushes my order to a tiny cell.

That is why the "feeling of being an RPG character having very low health/life-span but infinite regeneration".

Like sparks being thrown out from the embers and vanishing.

When my ordering energy is lower, esp. at night, I struggle to maintain order.

I struggle to hold coherence.

My whole life has mostly been:

Moving through different parallel universes, ascs (altered states of consciousness), [discontinuities-continuities] (episodes).

Failure of coherent becoming:

I feel my sheer impotence and inability to become anything.

Becoming = [order/boundary] wins over chaos

Unbecoming/Dissolution = chaos wins over [order/boundary].

This whole life for me is a death experience = a living death = just experiencing a million tiny lives like sparks/episodes one after the order, often with no continuity.

A burning away of all the million splintered pieces and vestiges of karma, without the central unity.

Exactly like how the body disintegrates after death.

My life is the journey to becoming nothing.

Babylonian myth: Marduk(order/ego/wave) trying to win over Ti'amat (chaos/ocean).

I cannot take any commitment/action because everything can totally shift very fast.

My life feels like a tetris game, as I quickly do justice to all the insights passing through me like wind.

When things are cyclic, 

All attainments are like shooting up water towards the sky.

It all falls back down to the ground from where it originated.

There are no mirrors around, nobody is able to reflect me.

My parents do not have any reflecting capacity and have never reflected me.

Even in general life I have hardly received any reflection.

If nobody can reflect me, then I can have no real relationship with them right?

It is all emptiness then. I am totally alone.

My interests are alive

Interests are new at every moment.

They are alive,

Constantly changing and shifting,

Waxing and waning.

Various potentials/possibilities arise and return,

From the source seed.

Like a fountain emerging from the ground,

And shooting up into the sky.

Like a blazing fire that rises,

Above the wood and embers.

I give them shape and co-create forms,

Just as a potter would create or null patterns,

On the potters wheel.

Every moment for me offers new opportunities,

For a new play.

I am a constant emanation,

Of authentic and integrous intelligence.

I constantly create art forms of all kinds.

The environment stimulates and pulls out the potential it needs,

Pulling potentials from the seed into a tree.

Else the seed pushes and manifests its possibilities,

In spite of environment resistance.

Among the millions of bubbling potentials from the source seed,

Arising and passing in my consciousness, 

Right from the time of my birth here, 

Some social-roles/identities were selected for a while and then they were dissolved.

Other times, I had interests in me so strong, 

That I created the identity,

In spite of there being no external need or pressure.

But all of this is changing and shifting.

It is like:

I was called forth from the ground,

To manifest small plants in the environment.

But with shifting conditions,

I was thrown back underground time and again.

To probably reemerge later,

When called forth again.

This is the relationship between me and the oversoul.

Right now, the oversoul has put me in exile, 

In an existential seclusion and hermitage, 

So that I can sort out my seed potentials.

It will open up to me once I've completed my inner work.

Or my own integration may direct a coherent source potential,

To manifest as a vision outside.

Making me bloom again as a plant or a tree.