Fight of establishing order in chaos

I feel like I am in a war with chaos.

[Order ---- Chaos], seems to be my central theme.

I always struggle with chaos, incoherence, suffering, randomness - which are like glass shards flying and injuring my ordered being, at night esp.

I go through this cycle everyday. 

# From brilliant order in the day when having high energy.

# To getting the "I am legend(movie character)" feeling at night when chaos invades and pushes my order to a tiny cell.

That is why the "feeling of being an RPG character having very low health/life-span but infinite regeneration".

Like sparks being thrown out from the embers and vanishing.

When my ordering energy is lower, esp. at night, I struggle to maintain order.

I struggle to hold coherence.

My whole life has mostly been:

Moving through different parallel universes, ascs (altered states of consciousness), [discontinuities-continuities] (episodes).

Failure of coherent becoming:

I feel my sheer impotence and inability to become anything.

Becoming = [order/boundary] wins over chaos

Unbecoming/Dissolution = chaos wins over [order/boundary].

This whole life for me is a death experience = a living death = just experiencing a million tiny lives like sparks/episodes one after the order, often with no continuity.

A burning away of all the million splintered pieces and vestiges of karma, without the central unity.

Exactly like how the body disintegrates after death.

My life is the journey to becoming nothing.

Babylonian myth: Marduk(order/ego/wave) trying to win over Ti'amat (chaos/ocean).

I cannot take any commitment/action because everything can totally shift very fast.

My life feels like a tetris game, as I quickly do justice to all the insights passing through me like wind.

When things are cyclic, 

All attainments are like shooting up water towards the sky.

It all falls back down to the ground from where it originated.

There are no mirrors around, nobody is able to reflect me.

My parents do not have any reflecting capacity and have never reflected me.

Even in general life I have hardly received any reflection.

If nobody can reflect me, then I can have no real relationship with them right?

It is all emptiness then. I am totally alone.