My ego as a shattered mirror reflection from others

For me,
The very reason for my depression/withdrawal,
Is of the feeling of hopelessness,
To ever find ADEQUATE connection and reflection,
Of my being from an other or others.

The word "adequate" is the most imp.
I mean I do find various connections,
But they are like tiny scraps/bread crumbs,
Extremely inconsistent, fleeting, and meager.

So I became sort of death oriented,
A sense of despair/ambivalence/frozenness/detachment,
(a tension between hope and hopelessness),
Wishing for death rather than life,
Which tipped the balance of my life energies,
Towards withdrawal and sleep instead of activity and pursuit.

I then live within myself in my mind all the time,
With profound insecurity,
While getting crumbs of tiny connections here and there,
Like fireflies while walking through a dark night.
The outer world and others look like a shattered crazy mirror to me,
When it comes to them seeing me.

Imagine various tiny shards of a shattered mirror,
Reflecting tiny bits of you in a weird distorted magnified or shrunken way,
That is how I feel I am reflected in the outside.
So if this is the basis of my outside world experience,
I lose all interest in doing anything with others,
Which is what then drives my isolation and tendency to avoid all relation.

You can say my ego,

(The outer image of me,
Which is the internalization of the other's projections of value on me)
Is shattered/destroyed.
My ego image is just a shattered mauled mirror image,
That is what I get from others.

So I entirely try to stay away from ego itself,
Because it is going to be something unreliable, crazy-making deeply unsatisfying anyway.
Maybe all this context is a blessing in disguise for me,
To seek the truth within without much pay offs coming from others adoring me.

My self thus has become sorta like an involuted black hole,
Endless contemplating and reflecting myself to myself,
Returning to the source of all my experiences.
Maybe this is the natural process for an old soul.
Just like how children are very different from grandparents.

I feel most secure, when I rely on myself, and when I am alone.
This is because I have never found anyone,
Who ever cared to know about me enough and maintain it,
Starting from the parents.

It is an attachment trauma essentially.
I know in my writing, there is a clear undercurrent of bitterness and resentment.
I definitely sense that too.
But it gets diluted when I actually see that that is the way the world and everyone else is.
They all seem innocent just like me in a way.

This also hugely drives my creativity too.
Because when nothing works, you try the most daft things lol.
It also drives my fierce attunement and empathy to others,
Somewhere it is also motivated by me trying to find connection, that unmet need.
So it's as if you are always hungry and looking for food.