My constant struggle with death

The feeling of sheer utter total defeat helplessness hopelessness sadness resignation.

I've turned half into a stone and half alive.

Waist down I've turned into a tree, and only my upper torso moves at all.

I'm simply frozen on so many different levels from lower thinner energy.

I'm barely alive, and constantly trying to battle the enormous level of death present in me.

How do I increase the life I feel within has been an eternal challenge as far as I remember.

I tried every possible thing to increase my spirit/life, I just can't fight this increasing darkness and death.

How many stimulants can I take to keep on trying to extract whatever life is left.

I feel unimaginably deprived depleted exhausted drained.

I feel like I'm just living off the power of others, the power of their universes.

Why have only I been forsaken?

This has been a constant life-death struggle literally.

Whatever I do, I feel powerless against death.

Like trying to keep candles burning all the time to push away the darkness,

But the darkness immediately comes back once the candle dims.

I have to do what sg did to bring his life back from the almost death state he reached when 42.

I feel completely disconnected from all the materialization forces in existence,

Like even if I can do something in a spurt, I'd be in no position to feed it continuously or sustain it, let alone grow it and make it my identity etc.

No effort of mine can stay unless that is also the same direction as the greater flow.

The Kashi death image that came to me also keeps haunting now and then, the body being in a bloody mess and wrapped up.

I can never quite sleep deep enough to come fully alive the next day.

It's like I'm unable to take in that much of energy in sleep, for the next day to be splendid.

Because of this lack of energy, I've built my whole life around it.

My whole life is built around death as the ruling force, constantly bearing over the life forces.

I see in all the others, that death has not even touched them, their life force is so consistent and high, that it does not even let them get the thought of death.

I wonder, and cannot even clearly access, what in me really wishes/wants/desires to even live.

In the fight between the 2 pranas of life and death, the death one seems to be ruling force.

Do I want to live or die, has become a constant yo-yoing.

This is what has created the greatest levels of philosophical musings.

How is a mind to deal with this?

Things are falling apart, falling apart, entropy is ruling, I cannot seem to put things together and grow, without it withering all away just soon after.

Nothing is staying, nothing is sticking, no effort of mine is persisting to even form a base to build over.

Everything I do simply vanishes in the darkness and silence of death.

I cannot become anything. I cannot even hold anything, let alone invest and grow something.

Death has brought the temporary, fleeting, evanescent nature of everything to the forefront.

Without death, life looks like a continuous GAIN of becoming, like there is continuous progress in the identity.

But death hollows it all out, it absorbs everything back into nothingness.

Too much of death, and you simply cannot become anything.

Whatever you do, will make an apparition, and it will simply fade away before you eyes no sooner.

There will be nobody to talk to about it, because everyone else is also busy avoiding death with all that they have got.

Interestingly, I see most people never confront death consciously at all. 

It is a miracle that they avoid 1/2 of existential reality so totally throughout their lifetime, pretending that it does not exist, the perfect gaslight.

I feel like my life has been an endless winter.

Things withering and withering away.

Losses after losses with the passage of time.

A cyclic process of gain-loss with the losses/deficits accruing over time.

Time builds up and time also destroys.

For me time just keeps destroying, fading me into obscurity more and more.

Talking to anyone about this, will just result in me receiving a lecture about how all that they do to make themselves feel alive.

But I know, nothing works, because I have tried it all.

It is like a granny asking beauty tips from a teenage girl.

Nothing in the entire world will make the granny look like the teenager.

This lifetime itself is more of a death process for me, than a life becoming venture.

It's like this lifetime for me is just for me to experience the last rites, the last vestiges of this plane of reality.

Whatever I am holding on to here is being strained to the most extreme extent.

The body wants to live and fights my soul dissolution.

I just cannot fight this all-consuming darkness of death.

But whatever in me that wants to live, will not relent.

So then I am constantly pitted against death, but in futility, because I know death will win anyway.

If not, the 80year old should be even better looking and stronger than the 20year old.

Life works in a way where growth peaks at 25 and then starts waning, for the physical body atleast.

Thereafter there probably is still growth at all other levels I'd think.

Everytime I see ppl enjoying/building/growing their lives and becoming more and more, I feel my own powerlessness more in contrast. 

I feel my own impotence, where I cannot sustain an agni to maintain anything let alone grow it and invest/commit to it, and give any level of permanence or sustainability to it.

My soul is so old and so weary, it is at its death bed, in its last rites stage.

I don't know what time will do to me next.

Because death is something I do not control, unlike the becoming that is life.

I don't know what tortures/pains/debilities/dependencies it may bring, because the part of me that wants to live will resist it tooth and nail, I already know.

Any debility I get, means my dependence on others will increase, and that sets the stage for terrible relations because I've already seen how unwilling others are to serve an other.

Now that I find myself already into the body, there is no way out until this life runs its course.

Hope I do not take another body, because that would be a real struggle again just like this lifetime, a hand to mouth existence, I'd probably die very early if I come again next time, like how some children die when they are 4 or 5 itself because their prarabdha karma was finished here.

It is a bit reassuring, if I think that death will happen naturally once my prarabdha is finished, that is whatever I am meant to experience for this timeline.

I do not see any other option for me, but to worship death, and interpret every death/loss as a gain rather than as a loss.

From a worldly perspective, I am just a crumbling derelict abandoned castle, now home to just cobwebs, insects, birds, animals, trees, moss, with nature slowly consuming the whole structure back into itself. I am like an archeological site of ruins.

Others would say, I am "RUINED". That is the best description from the worldly perspective.

Death brings the ultimate disillusionment, it is like the greatest secret of existence, and can change everything inside-out when contemplated on.
I feel separated, abandoned, forsaken, left alone to die - by the whole of existence.
Others just do things for me with unwillingness resistance and do so minimally.
It is pretty much the opposite of receiving love.
I only receive spite pity hostility resentment, with ppl seeing me as a burden, something to be dispensed away with, cast away, cast aside.
Nothing here desires me, wants me, needs me, and so on.
Except for blind biological forces that bind a mother and father to a child etc. I have only those unconscious love forces supporting me.
But consciously I am disliked by all.
I would have to take a blind leap of faith to leave this place, in spite of my mind and all past experience telling me that I'd just be lost in a sea of psychosis outside.
My issue is not with any one person or other, but with my whole global situation.
My existential situation is like a 95year old living another 5 years till 100 before he is to pass away.
Just counting the days, passing the days, doing the little that is possible within one's power.
It is as if death has consumed most of me, and there is just a little left before I am all gone, similar to a 95year old person.
What can he do on earth at that age besides just living day to day and waiting for his exit ticket.
The same nature is very generous to the youth and cruel to the old.
What you get just depends on what station you are in.
Everyone has to go through everything though, there is a time for everyone.
This is my time for this.

My contact is with others, who are either: givers, very selfish ppl who simply use me (so they have no awareness of me really), unconscious trauma bonding people, unconscious past life karmic connections, familial relations, situational temp relations, business like quid-pro-quo dealings, me acting like a counselor etc.
The black holes attract the stars, the stars are attracted to black holes.

I am attracted to others very high on life (star like emanation), and they are attracted to me - because of the polarity.