Heavy karmic load meaning

Karmic load = pain = imposition over consciousness.

There is the vital vibrancy prana electric energy inside.

How much of content is imposed upon this?

That determines how much freedom is present.

Energy is completely free once all of the content is worked through and digested.

But even if there is enough free energy to have surplus over all the load, then there is good freedom present.

In my case, I'm way too open to the astral,

And most of the energy is thus getting occupied and siphoned to handling that sphere.

So there is very little energy left in the physical.

And the physical has a high minimum maintenance too.

So the free energy available becomes very low in the physical.

Once the load is just too much,
There is a feeling of being a puppet of destiny,
Like I am forced to continuously juggle and play tetris,
With endless new turmoils, difficulties, content to handle.

Even after slimming down my physical investment footprint to the bare minimum,

I still have very little surplus.

The astral takes away 80-90% of my life.

Leaving only 10% to the physical, which is just used for mostly bare subsistence.

Maybe I was referring to that astral load as the 12th std.

Or the 12th std frequency of the soul,
Which would deal and be tuned to that sphere.

I feel like I am in the border

I feel like I am on the border of:

-- Existence and non-existence

-- Self and non-self

-- Consciousness and unconsciousness

-- Wake and sleep

-- Being and non being

-- Awareness and non-awareness.

-- Doer and non-doer

-- A merger of feeling and doing + merger of feeling and thinking

-- Thinking through feeling + feeling through thinking

Everything feels like a blur, a surreal experience.

Reminds me of early childhood.

Sadhana is the means, the vehicle, the conscious transformation of tendencies

I think sadhana is like the soap used to clean up everything else.

Thereafter the sadhana itself is dropped in the end like the soap is dropped.

Since, the sadhana is 100% conscious, it can be easily dropped.

So the sadhana has to encompass all of the unconscious binds first.

Then it becomes like a vehicle where you can live life freely from that vantage.

All sadhana then is to ultimately transform the unconscious tendencies into conscious practices.

All sadhanas if done diligently will lead to siddhis/specific attainments.

Sciences of transformation = Kriyas

asanas, pranayama breathing (nadi shuddhi, ujjayi, kapalbharti, bhastrika), bandhas, mudras (yoga mudra, kechari), mantras (nada yoga), consecrated chants.

Insight on riding the cycles of time

[Banging/Ramming/Rubbing] against all the walls of existence.

Feeling all the [limitations, restrictions, impossibilities].

Exploring the NOs of existence = The realm of pain/suffering itself.

Wanting all that you cannot have.
Energy investment into a limitation = pain

***

All resistance is suffering, even if there is some success in overcoming it by some amount.

And resistance is inevitable, because there are going to be 2 opposing forces always present: inertia, and the push against it.

Rajas -> overcoming Tamas -> Tamas overcoming Rajas -> and so on.

Destructive freedom ----vs---- Constructive freedom.

The intrinsic reward and punishment regarding laws of existence.

Fighting with the laws of existence/dharma is futile.

The realization that the ego is a slave and has no [actual independent essential existence freedom].

It just emerges and passes out of all the other flows.

It is only a manager rather than a creator.

***

That the only 3 options are: to [resist] or [work with, go with] or [work for/serve] the structures.

So it is you vs universe/time.

Go against it = suffering/crushing.

Go with it = trapped.

Ride it to accomplish things = riding.

Success = pleasure -----vs------ Failure = pain.

***

Failure is trying to do impossible things.

Ambition/Desire is the source of pain, 

Life itself is the source of pain,

But there is no option of rejecting it,

Because one cannot stand apart from it.

It is not possible to have only 1 side of a duality and reject the opposite pole.

Greater the ambition = Greater the pain, even if the ambition is in line with the greater powers,

Let alone if the ambition is impossible and against everything.

Fulfillment of desire = Consciousness of and Fulfilment of dharma.

All success is related to how much you are in line with the [greater laws/greater forces/the river of time].

***

The fundamental attitude duality: 

Whether you are for or against life, the way it is, its structure.

The ego is not the creator but the co-creator.

So if it goes against the creator, then there is pure suffering only.

Only if it goes with the creator, there is either peace or joy.

-- Total acceptance and flow with life/existence/time is peace.

-- Total acceptance flow with life/existence/time + using one's power to build further is joy.

Wanting or orienting towards anything that is not present now is suffering.

There is simply no option but to serve life.

There is no choice at all, all choice is false choice.

There is really only 1 way to be.

Between 

resisting life 100% = suffering, 

being with life 100% = peace, 

being for life 100% = joy.

Liberation is from the endeavour to understand from one's own exploration.

***

Similarly slavery is also adharmic.

Slavery ----vs---- Empowerment.

Instead of using one's power to serve life.

It is given away to devaluation/destruction instead of valuation/construction.