The "I do not know" vision

Whatever you know is a continuous evolving fire.

You must keep on enriching that till the end of life.

It is an endless Work In Progress.

Constant transformation needed at even the finest levels.

And at every step and stage,

One always knows, There is an infinity that I do not know yet.

Existence and Others

Existence good to you, Others good to you = Everything expands and prospers.

Existence good to you, Others bad to you = You live happily with passion secretly staying away from others, Because others are hostile or indifferent to you.

Existence bad to you, Others good to you = Internally you suffer with many problems, but you have a lot of security/support/care from others becz they like you.

Existence bad to you, Others bad to you = This is the real hell. Internally you suffer in silence mostly, and others are harsh and hostile to you also. 

Maya = Projection power/desire = Shakti

Pure desire = Pure like = Maya Potency = Maya power = Projection power = Shakti.

Really the only currency is shakti = This desire projection maya power.

In fact all the instruments get empowered only when there is desire/like.

Desire/like is its pure unassociated form is potency itself.

Society is the narrow range of likes-dislikes

Like/Desire something too much,
Dislike/Fear something too much,
And you are out of the range.
Likes/Dislikes determine all action.
Likes determine how much effort you'd put for something.
Dislikes determine how much effort you'd put to avoid/deter something.

The self-ing energy

The constant struggle for coherence (Self).

It takes a lot of energy to dynamically create.

People live in concrete houses/selfs set in stone.

But to have the ability to keep moving anywhere,

And to build and dismantle a house on the fly,

That is the dynamic self-ing.

The issue is that takes way more skill+knowledge+energy to have dynamic self-ing.

I want to live in this perpetual self-creator state.

But when energy goes low, I suffer the chaos. 

Everything and Anything

Everything can be anything.

Anything can be everything. 

Sarvam Sarvam Shunyam

Isn't celebrating any love,

A celebration of bondage itself?

One has to be in love with emptiness/god and nothing else.

All else should be only loved as an empty play of emptiness.

Sarvam Sarvam Shunyam,

Shanikam Shanikam Shunyam.

Only Shunyam exists.

This is the knowledge of death,

Which gives the ultimate knowledge of Turiya.

Only Turiya exists,

All else does not exist.

All that is gained will be lost,

Simply because of the law of change.

All that you are will be lost,

Every single piece,

Because why would the infinite play not change everything eventually?

Transcendence is the only solution to the grief of loss.

Return to Deep Sleep, and see that only Deep Sleep state exists.

Deep sleep is a kind of negative definition,

The word refers to the absence or sleep of the wold, senses, and mind.

But in positive definition, that is the return to the underlying reality itself.

All circumstances are only parts of the dream.

They are the fruit peels of the dream,

And the juice is the experiences they give you.

What is to fear if nothing is real?

Nothing real can be threatened,

Nothing unreal exists.

Bharatam,

Bhava-Rhythm-Taal.

To roll/attune with the cycles and dance of time.

To roll with time/change,

Knowing that there is only the play/dance,

There are no actors or things.

The term BHA means light and RAT means someone who has devoted his/her entire life for that light. 

It basically means, the seeker of ultimate truth.

The 3 deterministic prisons

The 3 deterministic prisons:

-- Physics-Math-Logic for the physical world

-- Psychology for the personality-mind world

-- Astrology for the soul world 

LOC

LOC = LOV = LOP = LOR = LOF = LOPb = LoW
Level of Consciousness, Vision, Perception, Reception, Frequency, Possibility, Wonder.

What I learned: Ra period over a decade: 2013-2023

In this Ra period over a decade: 2013-2023:

I learned the truth of helplessness at the deepest levels.

The ultimate and total humbling of everything that I was, I owe it all away.

I learned I am always at the mercy of god and grace.

I am in essence nothing.

All can change, what has to play out will play out.

All that plays up in awareness is from my unfathomable mystery nature.

That the deeper unknown mystery context underlies all that happens,

That the true causal reality is a mysterium unfathomable immeasurable, and all else is only its cascading effects.

We stand upon the ground of complete mystery and it spawns various layers from subtle to gross.

I got a deeper glimpse of Kala itself, through immersion into the mysteries (adept initiate), the penetration into the subtle.

Like looking at the mysteries of molecular and subatomic world for a material scientist.

One is only free as awareness itself and all action is only a response to the mysterious context playing up.

The true essence is no thing, maya is a mystery, and the challenge of life is to live through the flow of time.

Time pushes from the past, propels towards the future, with its own momentum.

In reality, I am all of the play of time itself, and every mystery is me, maya is my own power.

There is me as awareness, and the dream unfolding itself in time.

Is this dream, my body? my body chemistry? Is there an inside-outside at all? is there even something called a body? OR are all of these just variations of the dream itself?

Mind lensing creating experience flow

The deeper matrix, the 2 factors:

Do others stimulate positive experiences in me?

Do I stimulate positive experiences in others?

You liking others + world = power coming from within. But opposed by others/world.

Others + world liking you = power coming from outside. But opposed by self.

What controls/determines/patterns experience or the very context and possibility sets?
The mind is the filter/template/lensing, that creates the whole experience flow. 

Pleasure is the real currency

If no matter what I "do", "plan", or "try", I just cannot attain pleasure,
Then all faith in my doing, that I could achieve any real pleasure/progress through my efforts/plans/doing, is near 0.
It is as if something like winter has set in, and it opposes all life severely, and no life can put any effort to overcome winter.
Paralysis/Stasis sets in, all drives in the direction of progress/expansion are suppressed.
The mind reverses its direction and turns against the organism, now it works towards ending its existence, instead of its usual direction of seeking pleasure and expanding its empire.
It then uses all its force to apply brakes on life.
This is the crushing of spirit, 'Depression' at its finest.

The constant outer hostile environ situations are internalized, and now the mind carries all of that in itself, and inflicts that constantly on the organism, like a 24/7 internalized tyrant.
The old reality still lives in the mind, and acts like the same past environ  is continuously present even now, like a ghost of the past.
The mind ideally needs to move into an environ far more encouraging of life, and then replace the old hostile environ internalization with the new life supporting internalization.
When everyone around you want you to be rather dead, then the situation is of living in a deeply hostile place.

What is Vision?

Vision = Awareness = Consciousness = Mind's eye = 3rd eye = God seeing through the 'you' prism = Moonlight = Soul = Jivatma modulated consciousness.
Vision determines all conscious action.

About help

All help that one offers OR that which can be taken by others,
Is the extension of how one helps oneself. 

Everything is coming together

Everything is coming together:

-- Vipassana (direct experience contact with the deep mind)

-- Nischala Tattvam Jivan Mukti = Always be FOR life, Desire for liberation (which is real love)

-- Be in continuous contemplation on masters and their teachings (Sattva)

-- Intent - Intention - Intense - Intensity (that is from the tattva)

Thanks to Sg, AP, Buddha.

Continuously work for liberation/dissolving in every single aspect of life.

Let every single act be towards liberation, and not towards bondage. 

Moderation is Freedom

Moderation is Freedom
If you under what is needed, you feel a craving, it occupies you.
If you do over what is needed, you feel a burden, it occupies you again.

Karma or Genetics, which one drives?

Karma is the more abstract accumulation. 

Then comes genetics.

Karma can dominate genetics ----or---- Genetics can dominate karma.

Once a person lives long enough and accumulates immense amounts of karma,

That starts to play a bigger role.
For animals their genetics dominates much more than their karma.
For a human with immense amount of karma, that plays a bigger role and acts as the driver of the genetics-forces.

Rise into the phoenix fire

When you strive enough so hard,

That you realize the impossibility of everything,

When you realize that you don't know anything,

That the game of life is simply too complex and extreme,

That things are too mysterious and multidimensional,

When you are sufficiently mind-blown,

When you see that there is no way to win in this game of life,

Because the game is designed in such a paradoxical way,

Whichever way you go at it you fail, you lose, and by a long long shot, miserably,

When you try with all your might, but everything just explodes in your face into further mysteries,

When you fail so colossally, you are rolling on the floor in confusion and helplessness,

When you look around in bewilderment not knowing what anything is, or what anything means, or what matters.

When you have reached that stage of development,

Then you seek.

Then you are really ready.

Ready because now you have become the flame,

And have burnt off all the concrete knowledge of the lower dims.

You become like a bon-fire,

Where anything thrown at you not only gets transformed into ashes,

But also makes your fire even bigger.

Using everything as fuel,

You become such a conflagration,

That all gets burnt to ashes and you rise as the phoenix.

You are now a fire-god serving as a bridge between earth-water and air-ether.

Serving as the bridger between gross to subtle.

Serving as the bridge between 1c and 7c.

The torture of living

Life is mostly just a torture.

Pains that torture you when there, relieve you when gone.

Pleasures that relieve you when there, torture you when gone. 

The dnos = dos (death of soul)

The dnos = dos (death of soul)

Death is a process of sublimation.

It is the return to nothing, 

A yielding to the pull of nothing/non-existence/Shiva.

Everything in nature keeps moving from a grosser state to a subtler state.

From anti-entropy to entropy.

From hard form to various levels of dissolution.

Like cymatics, one passes through different higher frequency world structures/stations/formations.

It is starting off simple and then complexifying complexifying more and more.

Like see how one bubble splits into 10, the 10 split into 100, the 100 into 1000, and so forth.

This sublimation happens at the level of the mind/identity etc.

The physical body however works with its own clock and does its tenure if maintained well.

This is to do at the soul level. 

Acceptance leads to the beginning of free will.

Acceptance is the pre-condition for free will to begin.
Else you are sinking into the stage and struggling to stay afloat.

My constant struggle with death

The feeling of sheer utter total defeat helplessness hopelessness sadness resignation.

I've turned half into a stone and half alive.

Waist down I've turned into a tree, and only my upper torso moves at all.

I'm simply frozen on so many different levels from lower thinner energy.

I'm barely alive, and constantly trying to battle the enormous level of death present in me.

How do I increase the life I feel within has been an eternal challenge as far as I remember.

I tried every possible thing to increase my spirit/life, I just can't fight this increasing darkness and death.

How many stimulants can I take to keep on trying to extract whatever life is left.

I feel unimaginably deprived depleted exhausted drained.

I feel like I'm just living off the power of others, the power of their universes.

Why have only I been forsaken?

This has been a constant life-death struggle literally.

Whatever I do, I feel powerless against death.

Like trying to keep candles burning all the time to push away the darkness,

But the darkness immediately comes back once the candle dims.

I have to do what sg did to bring his life back from the almost death state he reached when 42.

I feel completely disconnected from all the materialization forces in existence,

Like even if I can do something in a spurt, I'd be in no position to feed it continuously or sustain it, let alone grow it and make it my identity etc.

No effort of mine can stay unless that is also the same direction as the greater flow.

The Kashi death image that came to me also keeps haunting now and then, the body being in a bloody mess and wrapped up.

I can never quite sleep deep enough to come fully alive the next day.

It's like I'm unable to take in that much of energy in sleep, for the next day to be splendid.

Because of this lack of energy, I've built my whole life around it.

My whole life is built around death as the ruling force, constantly bearing over the life forces.

I see in all the others, that death has not even touched them, their life force is so consistent and high, that it does not even let them get the thought of death.

I wonder, and cannot even clearly access, what in me really wishes/wants/desires to even live.

In the fight between the 2 pranas of life and death, the death one seems to be ruling force.

Do I want to live or die, has become a constant yo-yoing.

This is what has created the greatest levels of philosophical musings.

How is a mind to deal with this?

Things are falling apart, falling apart, entropy is ruling, I cannot seem to put things together and grow, without it withering all away just soon after.

Nothing is staying, nothing is sticking, no effort of mine is persisting to even form a base to build over.

Everything I do simply vanishes in the darkness and silence of death.

I cannot become anything. I cannot even hold anything, let alone invest and grow something.

Death has brought the temporary, fleeting, evanescent nature of everything to the forefront.

Without death, life looks like a continuous GAIN of becoming, like there is continuous progress in the identity.

But death hollows it all out, it absorbs everything back into nothingness.

Too much of death, and you simply cannot become anything.

Whatever you do, will make an apparition, and it will simply fade away before you eyes no sooner.

There will be nobody to talk to about it, because everyone else is also busy avoiding death with all that they have got.

Interestingly, I see most people never confront death consciously at all. 

It is a miracle that they avoid 1/2 of existential reality so totally throughout their lifetime, pretending that it does not exist, the perfect gaslight.

I feel like my life has been an endless winter.

Things withering and withering away.

Losses after losses with the passage of time.

A cyclic process of gain-loss with the losses/deficits accruing over time.

Time builds up and time also destroys.

For me time just keeps destroying, fading me into obscurity more and more.

Talking to anyone about this, will just result in me receiving a lecture about how all that they do to make themselves feel alive.

But I know, nothing works, because I have tried it all.

It is like a granny asking beauty tips from a teenage girl.

Nothing in the entire world will make the granny look like the teenager.

This lifetime itself is more of a death process for me, than a life becoming venture.

It's like this lifetime for me is just for me to experience the last rites, the last vestiges of this plane of reality.

Whatever I am holding on to here is being strained to the most extreme extent.

The body wants to live and fights my soul dissolution.

I just cannot fight this all-consuming darkness of death.

But whatever in me that wants to live, will not relent.

So then I am constantly pitted against death, but in futility, because I know death will win anyway.

If not, the 80year old should be even better looking and stronger than the 20year old.

Life works in a way where growth peaks at 25 and then starts waning, for the physical body atleast.

Thereafter there probably is still growth at all other levels I'd think.

Everytime I see ppl enjoying/building/growing their lives and becoming more and more, I feel my own powerlessness more in contrast. 

I feel my own impotence, where I cannot sustain an agni to maintain anything let alone grow it and invest/commit to it, and give any level of permanence or sustainability to it.

My soul is so old and so weary, it is at its death bed, in its last rites stage.

I don't know what time will do to me next.

Because death is something I do not control, unlike the becoming that is life.

I don't know what tortures/pains/debilities/dependencies it may bring, because the part of me that wants to live will resist it tooth and nail, I already know.

Any debility I get, means my dependence on others will increase, and that sets the stage for terrible relations because I've already seen how unwilling others are to serve an other.

Now that I find myself already into the body, there is no way out until this life runs its course.

Hope I do not take another body, because that would be a real struggle again just like this lifetime, a hand to mouth existence, I'd probably die very early if I come again next time, like how some children die when they are 4 or 5 itself because their prarabdha karma was finished here.

It is a bit reassuring, if I think that death will happen naturally once my prarabdha is finished, that is whatever I am meant to experience for this timeline.

I do not see any other option for me, but to worship death, and interpret every death/loss as a gain rather than as a loss.

From a worldly perspective, I am just a crumbling derelict abandoned castle, now home to just cobwebs, insects, birds, animals, trees, moss, with nature slowly consuming the whole structure back into itself. I am like an archeological site of ruins.

Others would say, I am "RUINED". That is the best description from the worldly perspective.

Death brings the ultimate disillusionment, it is like the greatest secret of existence, and can change everything inside-out when contemplated on.
I feel separated, abandoned, forsaken, left alone to die - by the whole of existence.
Others just do things for me with unwillingness resistance and do so minimally.
It is pretty much the opposite of receiving love.
I only receive spite pity hostility resentment, with ppl seeing me as a burden, something to be dispensed away with, cast away, cast aside.
Nothing here desires me, wants me, needs me, and so on.
Except for blind biological forces that bind a mother and father to a child etc. I have only those unconscious love forces supporting me.
But consciously I am disliked by all.
I would have to take a blind leap of faith to leave this place, in spite of my mind and all past experience telling me that I'd just be lost in a sea of psychosis outside.
My issue is not with any one person or other, but with my whole global situation.
My existential situation is like a 95year old living another 5 years till 100 before he is to pass away.
Just counting the days, passing the days, doing the little that is possible within one's power.
It is as if death has consumed most of me, and there is just a little left before I am all gone, similar to a 95year old person.
What can he do on earth at that age besides just living day to day and waiting for his exit ticket.
The same nature is very generous to the youth and cruel to the old.
What you get just depends on what station you are in.
Everyone has to go through everything though, there is a time for everyone.
This is my time for this.

My contact is with others, who are either: givers, very selfish ppl who simply use me (so they have no awareness of me really), unconscious trauma bonding people, unconscious past life karmic connections, familial relations, situational temp relations, business like quid-pro-quo dealings, me acting like a counselor etc.
The black holes attract the stars, the stars are attracted to black holes.

I am attracted to others very high on life (star like emanation), and they are attracted to me - because of the polarity.

All accidents are simply UNTIMELY

Everything that has to happen in time will happen.

All accidents are simply UNTIMELY.

Everything must unfold in the right time-harmony with respect to everything else.

Photos freeze time into an artifact. They immortalize the image.

Time is simultaneous, so there is no causation

All of time is simultaneously happening,

So there is no causation.

Simultaneity is the reason for 'no causation'.

All interaction is also baked into the time-flow. 

Only the love that you have for the other or things matters

When you have love for the other, 

The other loving you or not matters.

When you have love for a thing,

That thing working well for you matters.

But when you have no love for the other or anything,

Then it is game over.

The other loving you or the thing working becomes irrelevant.

The self is the inferred subject which is subject to the experience flow of time

The self is created by the [perception-experience-flow] time brings in its river-flow.

When all others abuse-hate on you, all that creates the self-image, as an abstraction which would serve as the 'hypothesized-self' to which all that was received.

The game is like, what must be the self for all of that to have happened to it?

That implied entity is constructed by inference using imagination.

What must it be like to justify all that was received? This is inferred.

Once the self-image is formed and identified/cathected with, the rest of the life is spent attracting the same situations/circumstances/ppl/relations etc. to recreate the same kind of self.

So that the same inference about the self will happen and reconfirm and revalidate its existence.

So those who were treated well in nice circumstances, gravitate to similar analogues as they grow up.

Those who were treated terribly also gravitate to similar analogues once they grow up.

The identification happens in that early-year-relational-environmental situations, 

Thereafter the agency only works to preserving that same image and function.

Good-bad-helpful-useless none of this really means anything. 

Whatever the image identified with is perpetuated-maintained in time.

It is sort of like the GRE score.

Score bad, then even if you score good later, it only averages.

The principles of creation happen within each person.

The memory/remainder and the forward creation process.

Things fade on one end, and get added on the other.

This is the process of time.

Is there any permanent self apart from this flow at different rates?

It is similar to looking out of a train window.

The far away scenery moves slowly, the scenery just in front whizzes past.

But both are passing.

Relativity is the great leveler

The great leveler is not death, but relativity.

Tirobhava to Anugraha

Tirobhava to Anugraha: The great escape:

The journey to the beyond must be unimaginable by definition, right?

If you know exactly where you are going, then are you not operating in the same level only (there is no advancement in the real sense?).

All experience should be the effect of you moving towards the beyond.

All experience is the side-effect of your movement. 

Your movement is the cause of experience.

If all is not changing, you are still stuck in those places, you are moving in circles in those areas.

So then, there are only 3 kinds of people in the world:

# Ascent (truths,dharma)

# Descent (illusions/karma)

# Avatars (powerful broadcasters from the beyond)

For ppl in the ASCENT = The GURU is the DOORWAY.

They are the mediums through which the great beyond shines through.

The gurus are the bridgers/the translators/the advertisers of the beyond.

They are like the black-holes that carry one out of this place.

Sattvic = In and up = Contemplators, Wonderers

Rajasic = Out and out = Human enterprise

Tamasic = Out and down = Pure materialism
Guru = Sun, Moon, Jupiter [Awareness, Mind, Wisdom/Knowledge]

Be open to every form of Guru. 

In reality all of creation is one's guru.

But some are far more perceivable, tangible, accessible to one's mind makeup.

Consciousness = Highest intelligence.

Seeking liberation is the expression of the highest intelligence acting.

The mechanics of relationship

When they say "basic humanity",
It means a base level of positive relationship.
Thereafter there are many higher levels of positive relationship.
Generally, partner/lover/parents/relatives/close-friends/friends/children/colleagues/comrades/tribe/community/caste/race/interest-group/guru etc. form the higher levels of positive relations.
So the spectrum might go like:
Basic life values -> Basic human values -> Distant friend/Acquaintances -> Closer friends -> Relatives -> Parents/Siblings -> Lover etc.
There can be many variations of this order though.

Then if we go to the negative levels of relationship we have,
First is indifference/avoidance/hostility.
That is the base level of negative relationship.
From here, things can descend negatively in 2 ways.
# The person/group wants to just wall you out of their life/totally end things/door-slam you out. This could also mean eliminating you. But here the killing is simply done in the fastest efficient way to get you out. If there was a way to simply vaporize you out of existence instantly, even that would be greatly preferred. This is more like instant kill on sight, excommunication/banishment/total-rejection etc. This is captured in killer movies, where the killer just wants to shoot you down as quickly as possible and get out of the scene.
# There is an even worse descent into the negative though. Where the people want to torture you or extract revenge. Here, the intent is not just to get rid of you or wall you out. Here it is to actively subjugate you, disable you, trouble you, torture you in various ways. This is captured in movies like batman and the joker.
An even more extreme worse version of this is shown in "Ghost" movies where the ghost has the utmost evil torture intent and is outside of all the limitations of the physical - depicting the most extremes of powerlessness and impossibility to save oneself. Some of the hell concepts are exactly this way.

So this is the spectrum of negative relationship: From most severe to mild:
Ghost hunting you down to torture you ------ Government/Large group/Swat team/Law/Police hunting you down ------ A group hunting you down like bullies/someone against you because of what you represent etc.----- A single person hunting you down from some personal vendetta ----- General hostile indifference from everyone around you....and so on.
Another factor maybe who is against you and how much they matter to you.
For instance, it will hurt much more for your parent/child to be against you, than if some random bully is against you.

Politeness can be a form of boundary/distancing/scoping.
It is setting a frame/limitation/boundary/circumscribed-scope for the interaction.
In a way it can be good too, because then you know what scope-module has been opened up for you and you can safely interact freely in those confines.
It could be like, let's start there, and then move it up from there, or it could be, this is the max we will stay within throughout the time.

If you change the game-rules of the relationship, back-track it.
Then the other is forced to step-back to that level too.
# The ultimate ending is the nulling of all relationship - "You mean nothing to me personally, but impersonally I'd deal with you the way I'd deal with a stranger".
To that extent the liberties are withdrawn.
That is a demotion from the personal to the collective,
But however it is still maintaining the general positive direction.
So it is far from ultimate nulling.

In a way, it is impossible to NOT HAVE a relation with something/someone.
There are only 2 negative ways to deal in relation.
One is defense, other is offense.
# Defense puts up walls, puts up boundaries, puts up conditions. In its most extreme condition, defense will be entirely unresponsive. It is sort of like Gandhi's Satyagraha.
# Offense simply tries to overpower the other into submitting bending to their will or simply having a relation of destroying the other. This one is like Genghis Khan.
In my opinion, defense is FAR FAR less violent than offense.

Defense is at least a live and let live, I'll try to forget you exist, you try to forget I exist, and few times we may fight where there is intersection, and then we go back to our dens".
Offense is just, me live you die.

Defense caters to the principle of preservation.
Offense caters to the principle of expansion.
Since life is both preservation and expansion,
Each party whether defense or offense is suppressing one huge aspect of life.

I think Sadhguru put it simply:
"Everyone is selfish only. Selflessness does not exist, it is just an impossible foolish idea. The question is does your selfishness include the other or not, that is the only real question."

This is like the CURRENCY of relations.
Your positive relations are your positive bank balance.
Your negative relations are your negative bank balance debt.
Either way, both will get consumed in the process of your living.
Either you will exhaust your positive bank account in enjoyment.
Or you will let the debters attack you and thereby exhaust your debts with them.

I wonder though, is everything ultimately moving towards the positive?
Like do we ever exhaust a positive relation? or once established does it permanently stay that way?

Roots, Receptivities, Trees

Similar roots = Similar receptivities = Similar trees.
When 2 people have similar hearts,
They seem to channel similar information,
And thus have similar becomings.

The Hard Realities that will remain the stage till time in the body

There are many hard realities that will remain until the end of my life-time in this body setup.

I have to do my time in this body and live in this setup till I leave.

This would include: All of physics, All the laws of fluids, All of thermodynamics, All of chemistry, All of biology/life-patternings, laws of gravity, laws of electricity, laws of magnetism.

All of this is relevant in this plane of existence, which is entered through the body.

Just like one enters the VR world through the VR headset.

But once the headset is turned off, the entirety of the VR-world too goes off with it.

So any desire in this world will need the body definitely, because it is like having a desire in a VR world.

How else to enter that? but through the hardware of the VR headset.

So the purpose here is to fulfill every kind of desire in intensity? 

LOC planes

LOCs:

800s = Avatars

700s = Enlightened

600s = Illumination, Detachment

500s = Non-linear, Renaissance mind

400s = Scientists, Researchers

300s = Doers/Active ppl

200s = Pleasure seekers

100s = Survivers/Aggressive.

When in any polarity, the opposite of that is always feared

When in any polarity, the opposite of that is always feared.

When in death, life is feared.

When in life, death is feared.

When in fear, openness is feared.

When in openness, fear is feared. 

Travel gets torturous tiring and boring often

Traveling is a lot of the same boring stuff.

All your needs anyway come with you.

The same roads, trees, mountains, buildings, vehicles, vibrations in vehicles, air blowing, heat or cold. 

I don't have much appetite for sights/sounds/smells/winds/fire-level (temperature).

I am not interested in people/cultures, it's the same thing mostly.

They talk the same mundane stuff in just a different language, slightly different clothes.

Food is also mostly not that different.

Living is the business of everyone anyway.

So the same chores and setups will be there everywhere.

Everyone just makes up the same stuff to manage their daily needs.
The same tea shops, dhabas etc.

The sensorium/images just keep moving and moving...when traveling.

It gets really wearisome/tiresome after a bit.

I then just feel like withdrawing into some cozy dark place alone.

In tourist locations, you see the same thing everywhere, everyone taking pictures of things or themselves or of friends/family etc.

Traveling just revolves around the huge list of mundane chores, you just do in an alt-way.

Finding food, shelter, bathrooms, transport constantly - and all the logistics that come with that.

And the need to make 100s of small talk convos for logistics purposes, which I'd so rather avoid completely.

Other travelers you meet otherwise are all busy juggling the same balls of where to go, what to see, what to do today, where to eat, where to sleep, how to get to this place that place....and asking you the same things but historically 'oh where had you been? how did you manage this that?'

Also the pressures of - oh this is closing now, this is the best time for this, you must go here here here etc...

It's gets very boring, mind-deadening/numbing.

I find trekking to be just a pure torture.
That takes all the inconveniences to another level.
For what just to walk a stony up-winding road in nature for 3-4hours?

Even before I speak anything,

I already know the other's position and condition,

If they will relate/agree/or participate in my arguments or not.

Most of the time, I know nobody will agree, and nobody will even understand or tune.

So what is the point of even talking at all?

It will be just boring mundane details and nothing else.

So deeply unfulfilling.

There is nothing that new under the sun.

Every place is mapped out can be seen in aerial view, drone view, regular walker view on youtube/gmaps etc.

So what is the real advantage, seeing it in 3d and 8k res with 140deg FOV?
VR would probably make all that happen at home itself.
Except for the wind and temperature feel, all else can be simulated.

Even the opp-sex I meet in travel is all about fun fun enjoy enjoy....

So hungry for pleasure, which is prolly the hope they projected and came there in the first place.

Like kids in an amusement park for the first time.

So I cannot have even 1 fulfilling convo with anyone.

Same logistics stuff thrown around with excitement.

Feels like I'm a 45 year old stuck in a middle school classroom break time.

Everyone is racing around their checklist, running here there, checking things off, because they only got 2 days there or something.

It is so unfulfilling for the soul overall.

All of it feels empty in retrospect. 

I feel very indifferent and detached, like nothing much happened at all.

Kind of like watching Avatar 2, felt like a long drone shot of it slow moving in a CGI blue world, with some basic AI putting on a filler story.

Like I just stared at the screen and watched a 1 hour long screen saver.

Transport is usually so uncomfortable. It takes it to the next level.

The stuffy AC bus, the super bumpy long bus ride in cramped seat with your backpack, train ride again all the logistics taking care of your stuff etc.

Also coordination of those timings, getting yourself to the station, queuing for tickets etc, waiting till start, and possibility of losing sleep because of odd timings, needing snacks, meals, pee/poo breaks etc.

Mighty inconveniences to endure, if I list all of them, it will make a very long list.

Imagine all of the below accompanying you everywhere all the time:

Tortures:

# Ppl Humming

# Cold, sniffle, cough, sneeze

# Not staying in allotted space

# Cramped uncomf twisted seating

# Loud horns

# Vibration undulations - engine, vehicle wheels, from stony roads

# Spitting constantly/pan spitting

# Cigarette smell, fish smell

# Smog

# Closed windows stuffy

# No ac/heater vents in car, and windows closed now and then when there is too much pollution/dust outside.

# Endless bassy cheesy hindi love songs

# Snoring

# Cold temperature - freezing feels in hands/feet/body.

# Dust in the air from roads/vehicles

# Travel spot discussions

# Bike cramped, accel brake tensions, back burn from bag

# Musty blankets in rooms

# Mosquitoes

# Cheesy cormy pop music song lyrics playing everywhere.

# Food and medicine smells of ppl around.

# Back pain sting of carrying backpack on back

# Mountain scooty additional elevation up down accel brake pain

# No central heating anywhere even when temperatures are sub 10deg C

Unbalanced vs balanced forces, Open vs Closed systems

A bicycle is a closed balanced system.
Body is a closed balanced system.
But the personality that uses the bicycle for its goals is the open-unbalanced system.
The personality that uses the body for its goals and development is the open-unbalanced system.
Even this personality from a higher level is a closed system, and so is the soul etc.

So the only one who is really open and free is the ultimate Brahman/Shiva.
All the other dims are closed system subservient to this ultimate.
Life itself is open and unbalanced compared to mechanics/electronics which are much more closed and balanced.

A closed-balanced system/dimension is not free.
Only an open-unbalanced dimension is free.
There are different levels of laws binding on different planes of reality.
Mind/Visualization/Imagination/Thought is much freer than the visual sense reality which has to rearrange/organize/modify the world to see what it wants to see.

Creativity-influx is an unbalanced open force,
A force from a higher open system working and penetrating a closed balanced system which now has to accommodate the new influx, like a renaissance.
Creativity-influx transforms closed systems which now rearrange and reprocess everything in the light of this new creative influx. 
Creativity-influxes upgrade older closed systems.

I want to be one with this super-dimension from which all creativity rises,
Rather than being in one of the closed systems and waiting for its influxes to invigorate and transform my space.

All balance is a means for something else unbalanced like a goal/ideal.
For example, you ride and balance a cycle (closed system) to use it to get somewhere (the unbalanced goals).

If identified with lower closed systems like social-identity or habits, all higher faculties like reasoning/imagination are used only to justify and support the closed system.
It becomes a closed circle/loop that only strengthens itself with more and more justifications from higher faculties like reasoning/knowledge etc.
Whereas if one identifies with the higher faculties, then he keeps transforming all of the lower closed identity with continuous flow of inputs from the higher.
Here there is the sattva movement of dissolution into higher solvents and true progress.