All judgment is self-judgment. That is what creates guilt.
All rejection is self-rejection.
We attract or are triggered by whoever mirrors our own self-judgment and self-rejection.
Parents ignoring you is a cold-war hostility.
It is introjected as "I must be bad, parents are good' or projected as "Parents must be bad, I am unconditionally good".
Then one does not know what is wrong in oneself that others do not like.
So it becomes other-focused, and focused always on the reflection of itself in others (hypnosis), and believes "It is bad, but it does not know why it is bad".
So it keeps attracting "critical" "fixed mindset narcissist" personalities who are themselves trying to live up to an image to atone themselves - because here it ticks both boxes:
I am bad + Why I am bad (some impossible goals).
It confirms and validates the negative self-image.
For the narcissist, the attraction is, just yesterday she was so nice to me and understood everything, and today all is lost. There must be a way to train her to stay in the idealization state, and then he keeps trying to fix her.
This is the dance between the borderline and the narcissist.
The narcissist will seek higher and higher ideals in the hierarchy.
While the borderline aspect of self is untameable, problem creating, reckless, unpredictable, disruptor - and opposes even the highest of ideals in a deep regression into chaos.
Since the borderline is an empty mirror, it can idealize the narcissist completely and fulfill it.
This is what the narcissist is seeking. The approval validation adoration admiration.
But the borderline will switch to the polar opposite and reverse everything.
The narcissist tries to get the borderline to agree to its ideals.
But the borderline is going to change into hyde after playing jekyll with rapidly alternating idealization and devaluation, because the repression mechs are like a muscle, only works for some time.
This pattern is so addictive because it is inconsistently fulfilling, exactly like cocaine.
That is what holds the 2 trapped with each other.
The borderline because of the failure of repression cannot hold on to the idealized narcissist loving self, loses the repression sooner or later, and sets forth a bunch of repressed forces that perform the opposite actions of destruction.
The narcissist has the 'inadequacy/unworthiness' wound, to reach the ideals, so as to be worthy of approval/love/respect/adoration/admiration/esteem.
The 'unconscious superego ideals' dominates the unconscious.
The borderline has the 'unconscious id primal impulses' dominating the unconscious.
So the borderline and narcissist are not meant to be together, the relationship is a stretch from both sides. The narcissist stretches to try to fix the borderline while the borderline struggles to repress its 'id' to meet the ideals of the narcissist.
So both of them have that suffering on-off/intermittent/inconsistent/flashing/unsustainable relationship.
The ultra organized independent narcissist ----vs----- The ultra dependent enmeshed borderline
They are both parts of human nature.
And these 2 are its extremes.
The drive to become the ideal to get admiration/value/love ----vs---- The drive to become the seductress to merge into different personas and get loved/wanted.
Idealism (narcissist) ----vs---- Seduction (borderline)
Both of these come from the visuddhi 5c throat chakra = anyakara rift.
The skill of becoming the achiever, ideal ---vs---- Merging into the other, shape shifting Cinderella, pure seduction.
Self focus/absorption ----vs----- Other focus/absorption
Male ----vs------ Female
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