My negative anima

Negative/Shadow anima:

Super severe, harsh, cold, dry, hostile, deserting, abandoning, withholding, mistrusting, punishing, commanding, tactful, calculating, measuring, controlling, imposing, dominating, demanding.

Repressing, violent, fake-confidence-mask, inflated-ego (looking down on everyone else), thankless/in-grateful/remorseless, defensive, vengeful, jealous, treacherous, deceitful-masks, hiding/covering/occluding/pretending, vile, bitter, manipulative.

Resentful, hateful, nursing grudges, abusive, venomous, poisonous, wanting revenge, targeting people, playing politics games (like house of cards), ingratiating itself to authorities and people in power, nasty, cruel (can cut you off totally anytime), destroyer, betrayer (can entirely turn its back on you), sorcerer-like, crude, filled with pain and holding on and nursing it within herself, death drive (total withdrawal of the phantasy projections), Kali like, asuric, demonic, diabolical, devilish, looking to die and absorb into people more powerful (but all to execute its revenge), expert liar, psychopathic, creepy, sly, opportunistic, energy vampire, reptilian, snake like, dark, gloomy, depressive, melancholic, absolutely stubborn, rigid, stoic, in deep lack, power hungry, exploitative, underworld/underground/dungeon entity, gas-lighting/crazy-making, madness, attacking, blaming, projecting.

Multiple personalities, Being real, Determinants of Karma, Heaven and Hell

On multiple personalities, not having a king, central governance, a single identity.

It requires decision and commitment and deepening to find the real diamond in the rough and develop it to the king.

J is not psychologically born in a way, individuation has not yet happened.

The intelligence is still sifting running through multiple personalities from the archetypal plane.

The ego inundated in the archetypal plane is madness.

She has still not emerged out of the archetypal plane and is still living in the underworld like ISIS.

And the intelligence that is super-seeing these Is is still unconscious, almost asleep.

It is like dreaming, swept with the tides of the external circumstances.

***

All the madness I encounter is from the mother ISIS = The underworld.

Because the mother opens up the world.

***

It is easy to make a fake diamond, easy to cut it into the right shape, and make it look like a real diamond by adding foils etc.

But the real diamond is an inside out job.

To even make the diamond in the rough takes a long time.

Even if I am a tiny diamond, and the other is a big polished glass one with foil etc. 

My worth is 1000x times more.

Because whatever mess I am, I am real.

***

Gyana + Intention = Karma/Effects.

So Gyana is what I work on everyday = To remove my ignorance. 

And to attune with higher and higher more fundamental realities.

And Intention is also something I refine/hone/allow.

I work on whatever I have [access+acceptance].

Access is to see. Something I always have to a much greater degree. 

Acceptance is from the other's receptivity/willingness = from seeing my real intention (working with me vs. somebody else) + when they reach a stage where such a work seems appealing in the first place (where such a work becomes relevant to them). This is the difficult part.

So I am working inside an Aladdin's lamp in a compressed space, with pressure created by all the resistances of other people.

***

The heavens and hells are enjoyed and suffered, 

For the good and bad karmas/kriyas performed.

The deeper/finer the work = the deeper the karma also.

Because one is working with the finest mechanics/causing the finest possibilities.

The heavens and hells are relative to the subtlety of your energy.

***

I universalize all of my personal experiences, 
By translating it into universal/collective symbols, using symbolic language.

Dealing with dissociated fragment-identified people

The thing with X is, she is living in some dissociated ideal. 

So it is mostly self abandonment in shame, 

But that abandoned self will put its hooks on me, 

Expecting me to intuit and fulfill those parts. 

It stay dormant, but the pressures keep building.

When the pain gets too high, 

Suddenly she will identify with that part,

And then it will project and attack me, because it believes I am responsible.

This is what was happening with Y too. 

Y was trying to be ideal, but suddenly the other part of her would take over and lash out. 

And then after the episode once again Y would return to the old identification (which I like).

Even X and Z go through these different possessions.

They have MPD, multiple personality disorders.

So it appears I am talking to one person, but there are many others behind who can suddenly come forward and start ruling the entity.

And then the primary one will come back, with an amnesia of whatever happened.

So there is no central I, but many Is, that do not talk to each other.

So they are fragmented and not whole.

And my relationship is not just to the visible overt person, but to all the fragments, because there is no central ruler. That ruler can be easily displaced for the other ones.

That is why usually I map out all the personas. And my dealing with each of them is empty.

Because they are literally different people packed into the same body.

It is dealing with madness because there are multiple Is, taking the throne, and there is an underground algorithm that decides which one takes the throne when and in what circumstance.

So my dealing is with that obscure shadow intelligence.

I usually like one part of them, and detest the other parts (which are vile vindictive projecting and in primitive states).

This is what gives me the depressive position, that the good and bad are mixed into the same object, and I have no control over when it is good and when it is going to be bad.

Kriyas for each chakra

Kriyas for each chakra:

Breath cycles for each energy type:

7C = energy of transcendence = Be completely focused on god -> Be completely focused on the world

6C = energy of consciousness = Be completely conscious when awake -> Be completely unconscious when asleep

5C = energy of expression/clarity = Talk/Write/Express fully -> Go into total silence fully

4C = energy of air/interest = Breathe in fully -> Breathe out fully

3C = energy of fire[food-to-energy transformation] = Eat fully -> Assimilate fully -> Eliminate fully

2C = energy of sexuality/emotions/energy of water = Arouse fully -> orgasm fully +  Drink water fully -> eliminate water fully.

1C = energy of physical = fully work out physical body - fully relax physical body

(move every muscle in the body during work, flex and relax every muscle in the body fully)

This tallies with ida, pingala and sushumna.

OR parasympathetic, sympathetic, CNS

Expenditure <-> Rejuvenation

What people say they want is often not what they really want

What people say they want is often not what they really want.
But there is a sort of thread connecting what they really want to what they say they want.
Figuring out that thread takes a lot of time, investment of psychic energy, and a lot of familiarity/exposure. So that the patterns can be intuited.
Like I have to run simulations in my head rapidly to know.
So if they do not speak anything, then the job is entirely left to me.
The issue is I can see their needs screaming, even when they themselves deny it.
Ultimately when it pains enough, they will identify with it and it will come out in some perverse way.
So I see different portions of their being dying from their abandonment of those portions, and the effects nevertheless happen, and they notice those portions only when the pain becomes too much.
Only to go for some unhealthy fix like getting forced interaction by shouting at someone for some exaggeration. And then once again that part is abandoned to rot.
So the energy rots in various ways, and it relies on others to exercise those parts and keep them alive.
But that has been abandoned by the host person.
Now they expect you to keep them alive and abuse your compassion.
The expectation may not come to surface until you stop intuiting and fulfilling the other's needs.
Own and love/invest in yourself, is what i'll say.
The parts that are dying from abandonment/neglect/disinvestment that is.

So for me, I feel like, It is like keeping dying bodies alive
And the bodies attack me if I do not tend to their dying parts.
They expect/demand that I tend to their dying parts.
While they have abandoned those themselves.
And shifted the responsibility of those parts to me.
And from my side, I am so ready to serve the other, that I willingly take up and do whatever I can manage.
I can also easily intuit and see those dire needs, and feel moved to serve life in the other.
I do it from natural compassion, and also fear that I will be blamed/attacked if I do not tend for them.
So this is the "serve to survive" programming.
I then get severely drained doing this, because this is a one way street, this is not reciprocated.
They do not tend to my wounds, they are self-centered, don't care, can't see, and never ever ask me "What can I do for you".
They put all their energy on themselves, and demand/expect me to serve them.
This unequal relationship is what makes me completely chuck out all the relations where:
"The person is not only dis-owning themselves (irresponsibility),
But have outsourced it to the others, and even demand/expect/attack others for that."
By definition, what has been abandoned will die, start to die, and pain and degradation will ensue.
I feel like a great sacrificial mother to this world.
Where everyone is dying/rotting, and expecting and demanding of me to keep them alive.

This is why I imagine the world to be like:
# "I am legend" a million zombies, with me alone.
# People latching on with expectations like Vikhram and Betaal.
# Life of a pi - boy vs wild animals
# Country of the blind - man with eyes vs. blind village
# Jungle book kind of situation - mogli with the forest animals.
# Planet of the apes - The apes civilization dominating and marginalizing everyone else.
# Like members outside the Matrix - morpheus, neo, trinity, and other crew members.
# Like Elsa in Frozen - living in the ice palace.
# Like Wall-E in the wasteland.
Like I am the only struggling angel in this world of demons.
And that even my own avatar is struggling with its own genetic stream difficulties.
I say, own yourself first, own all of the parts of you.

I doubt I can ever find a reciprocal relation in this plane.
So I have 2 priorities:
1. Keep myself great first, own myself fully, and quarantine until I work everything out nice.
2. Do whatever little I can manage from what overflows from me.
I can intuit everyone's needs, and I fulfill them,
But I never ever get that reciprocated by a very long shot.
So almost all relationships becomes overdrawing and sacrificial.

Why can't we live off the earth, independent of the species-karma

Can you live in nature with least modifications/efforts?

I'm trying to eliminate effort.

It seems wasteful, to put so much effort, only to die and leave this place.

How can I go by doing the absolute minimum while meeting all my needs?

Making an off grid house, looks like even more effort than living in a rental place.

And even living off-grid does not really free me from societal inheritance/collective-karma etc. because anyways I am taking all the material from the social-karma (the tent materials, the machine stove etc.), just taking it away and living elsewhere. It is mostly not sustainable too.

How can I live sustainably off grid, using only the earth, and not the species help.

I want to disconnect from the whole collective karma of the species.

And not live off any species-efforts apart from my own.

That would equate to living in the forest/wilderness like sg, marooned island like cast away. 

Cast away is a better example, because sg could manage only 7 days and had to carry a lot of supplies etc.

Every other animal lives off its own instinct directly from the earth.

Why can't I live from the earth directly? I am so crippled handicapped, profoundly ignorant, about living in the wild.

Why is earth called a home, if it makes it so difficult for humans to survive directly off it without making a great amount of efforts to fulfill all the needs (which have to come from the outside). 

Why can't all of living be as effortless as breathing (air is all around, I don't have to find it somewhere, cook it, boil it etc.)

Even the nat-geo explorers etc. carry their haver sack full of survival gear etc. which is still from social-human-effort.

Can I just live almost naked like the other animals, only off nature/earth alone?

I think it is impossible to be disconnected from the species from start itself, because even in the animal kingdom, a young separated from its mother dies very soon.

So all the more for the human the infant will die extremely quick if abandoned.

But the animal, after that, achieves a kind of independence that is impossible being a human. It lives directly off instinct, and directly off the earth itself. It does not need to put effort, struggle, think, discover, understand, gain knowledge. Whatever is to be known is instantly known by it. The animal does not have to depend on others in its species to survive (except social tribal animals).

Why am I/humans so extraordinarily fragile?

Why do we need so much? Why is everything on earth in such an inedible form that it takes so much transformation effort to make it something edible (cooking).

This is only the tip of the iceberg. 

Our entire mid-brain is devoted to the social circuits along with the limbic part.

How do I get out of this enmeshment with the species-karma, collective conscious, collective unconscious or the shadow etc.? How do I get free from all of that?

Why is "THE SOURCE OF WHAT SUSTAINS US, outside of us?" and why do we have to go through so much just to survive.  Why do I have to EARN my survival? Why can't it just be given to me free and natural?

This is not socially so, and it is not even existentially so.

The earth is very very hostile to the naked human.

How do people consider earth their home? This is anything but a home.

Let alone the true self, this is not even a home for the "human animal" itself as a species.

This is like an existential prison planet, where you have to struggle and survive, else you die. Why do they call this place mother earth.

What the hell is motherly about earth? It is brutal uncaring indifferent and for us to survive we need to take specific edible stuff, and transform/fire/cook it to live.

And the earth is not very generous about edible food either for humans. In the wild they are scattered.

My experience of life

I miss having a shared reality with others around.

Pets cannot share my reality. 

Though I feel their emotional openness to me could make my life better.

Where I am now is like 3000ft underwater.

I live in that depth, I live in that Ni space.

I feel like everyone else is living in the Se surface.

I can also equally say, I am like a space satellite,

Or an airplane flying at 40000ft, or looking from a hot air balloon,

Or flying like an eagle high up beyond the clouds.

My natural center of gravity rests in those,

Liminal, limbo, bardo, inbetween spaces.

My whole being is tuned to live in those spaces.

For me all of the activity of their world is like a,

Distant, Faint, Muffled, Far-out sound.

My investment abode and natural center of gravity is at those depths or heights.

The space inbetween life and death.

The space inbetween consciousness and unconsciousness.

The space inbetween awake and asleep.

The space inbetween lives.

The space inbetween being here and not being here.

The trough/valley of the waves that are others.

I see the life of others the way one feels when looking at a city skyline.

I constantly have sublime feelings of grief and nostalgia.

As I retreat and move away further into the depths and heights where I really live.

I am so alone in this space, but that is my home.

I get in and out of people's lives, like an alien moving through dimensions.

Everything is vast, sublime, rich, complex, and far out, from where I see.

I see far, wide, and deep. I see vast vistas.

When I wake up in the morning I can fly like an eagle or swim like a whale,

And zone/hone/tune-in/focus on any aspect of life, any creature, any other person, any piece of knowledge, art, beauty, all that is conceivable.

But as my energy wanes, I lose my powers to contact the world,

I lose my power to focus on the objective world,

And return to my inchoate blurry subjective vastness where I rest.

My relationship to this entire social world is very tenuous.

It is like what an eagle or a blue whale would feel about land activity.

They may come up for air or food and explore a thing or 2, but that's about it.

My mind is a genie that can shape shift into any perspective, union and detach with things, like entering and exiting dimensions.

After every sleep, I receive a refill of this energy to contact the objective world/social world(the shared world), but once this energy goes low, I return to my liminal limbo like inchoate vast blurred subjective space(my private world), and lose contact.

I am always ambivalent about social dealings because many of them may bind me to the ground, and I always want the option to use my wings or gills.

I always need to be able to separate myself from the land and not get tied down.

The physical world, the physical life, and the concerns of survival seem very distant to me.

I am in this place but not of it, is my persistent feeling.

Work with others only after higher forces are supporting it

Unconditional love, working with people = Are better after higher forces/beings enter into You (consciousness). Else you will drain yourself and burn out.

* Just like how Sadhguru says Shiva invaded his life.

* And how Amma must also have a higher being giving her the power to do what she does.

* Even David Hawkins had said, do work only after higher forces are fully working inside you.

The higher forces are like the soul, they fill you up with power.

This can be sensed inside:

* This power is the force that makes you breathe, at the pranic level.

* This power is the force that makes you interested/invested/devoted/involved/engaged.

The way you are, determines what beings enter and live in you.

You only set up the structure, the attractor, and the being enters when the time is right.

Rest of the time is just preparation for that.

I am in true essence, consciousness/light.

My vessel is a tuning dish, a receptacle for the higher forces to use and enter my experience.

Your older self may get swallowed by the whale, transformed into the whale, and then you will open your eyes as the whale.

That is why Sadhguru says, Shiva and him are one, like brothers.

The loss and gain of the beloved are these beings.

The journey to get them back into you.